Image courtesy of brookes-bearnecessities.blogspot.com

Well!

I knew it. Of course I knew it. But somewhere along the line it slipped from my awareness again.

And yet, there it is once more, confronting me with such glory and such delight that it dizzies me.

Do you want to know?

Here it is:

Food enjoyed – and I mean, really enjoyed, with that close-your-eyes-and-experience-the-taste-to-the-full kind of intensity – almost a Capital Letter Enjoyed! – oh, such food is how one should eat most of the time. That’s not the principal discovery, though.

It is this:

When food is truly Enjoyed like this, you need only a little to satisfy you completely.

This week I lunched at a restaurant and had an aubergine vegetarian stack: aubergine, tomato, feta, mozzarella and … hmmmmm! basil pesto – and I swooned with pleasure. I ate both little stacks on my plate, but afterwards realized just one would have sufficed. So little!

There are probably tons of research about this phenomenon, but I don’t need research to figure that when you enjoy food with all your senses, your brain just gets that message so much more completely that you are actually nourished.

This is the second time in as many weeks it has happened to me, and I realize that contrary to my normal belief, I really enjoy eating truly good food.

I used to have my nose in the air about haute cuisine. All those large plates with tiny morsels on them, surrounded by curlicues of some sauce, I said. Served in seven courses combining to less than a full plate of homecooked food, I said. How pretentious! I said.

And then, one single time in my life, I enjoyed such a meal. And I learned, much to my surprise and my eternal delight, that eating small, beautifully prepared portions enabled me to really appreciate what was on my plate. To fully experience the food with all my senses! It was one of the times in my life I felt the most nourished, the most replete.

It made me pause.

After this week’s experience, I’m converted.

Do you realize the implications? What would happen if ALL our food was served beautifully, delighting the eye and the nose as much as the palate? What if ALL our food was a wonderful combination of complementing fragrances and tastes?

I dare say we would have a world full of thin, healthy, happy people.

Could anything be more wonderful than really enjoying food the way you really enjoy moving your body or drinking in a breathtaking view? They’re all the same. They speak of living with passion. They speak of LIFE.

It needs to be fully enjoyed.

Oh, and I do!

move towards your goals every day by deliberate thoughts and actions!

There are two celebrations you won’t find in South Africa: Halloween and Thanksgiving. Which means less temptation to overeat, from all I gather off the web. =)

found this symphony of water and light the other night

Nonetheless, this is a good time of the year to remember what I am grateful for. I find that a worthy practice.

A dear, dear friend recently gave me a gratitude journal, and I’ve started jotting down the things I am grateful for. And of course, I know from the experience: the more you open up yourself to a spirit of gratitude, the more your eyes are opened to the beauty and wonder in your life.

That is certainly the case for me.

I enter this day with a deep and engulfing sense of gratitude for all the myriads of blessings in my life. It’s a good place to be.

Thank You, Beloved.

Well, if you’re looking for a zippy, zesty report on the Hot 100 – Going Out With a Bang! front, especially if you’re looking for the BANG! part, go over to South Beach Steve’s, because sadly, here on The Porch, you’re not going to find much more than a fizzle. Well, as far as this past week goes, anyway.

What with the depression, my current scale-less-ness (still) and a more-than-2-weeklong Headache from Hell, I haven’t looked at ANY goals except to get through the week in one piece. That’s a goal, right?

Serious lack of BANG! right now, but you’ve got to work with what you’ve got.

I’ve ate, though for the life of me I can’t really remember what. Raw, it wasn’t. I’ve tried to exercise, but it was so minimal, it doesn’t even count. Creativity has flown the coop. This migraine is driving me NUTS, truth be told.

I am so sick and tired of pain killers, and I’m so sick and tired of moving slowly – with the world in a blur around me – I could happily die.

Here’s the thing, though: I am SO not going to let this get me under.

So, I’ve had a week of performance which ranges more towards the black holes of the stellar spectrum. But:

• I also know that I’ve been dealing with heavy emotional stuff which pulled the focus off all else in my life.
• I’m still learning how to keep that focus when life seems to be falling apart at the seams, both emotionally and physically, or at least to regain it as speedily as possible.
• Enough of me has changed during these past weeks of goal-reaching that I’m NOT allowing this blip to destroy my progress or my vision. (And for Pippa that’s huge progress.)

And I’m going to beat this blip. I just have to figure out how.

First things first: If you’re in need of inspiration, go and watch Steve’s Word of the Day: Half-heartedness – it is bound to motivate you right out of your socks.

Second, until I’ve figured out how to conquer these terrible migraines, I’m simply setting myself the goal of going back to raw living this next week. Let’s see if that helps. When I can see clearly again, I’ll write a longer post, exercise again, and generally be the little energizer bunny.

Sometimes one step at a time is the best way forward. Scrap that: one step at a time is always the best way forward. Even if it is little baby steps.

Let’s make it a great week!

happy Pippa feet =)

Woke up, it was a Chelsea morning
And the first thing that I heard
Was the song outside my window
And the traffic wrote the words
It came ringing up like Christmas bells
And rapping up like pipes and drums

Won’t you stay
We’ll put on the day
And we’ll wear it till the night comes

Woke up, it was a Chelsea morning
And the first thing that I saw
Was the sun through yellow curtains
And a rainbow on my wall
Red, green and gold to welcome you
And crimson crystal beads to beckon

Won’t you stay
We’ll put on the day
There’s a sun shower every second

Woke up, it was a Chelsea morning
And the first thing that I knew
There was milk and toast and honey
And a bowl of oranges too
And the light poured in like butterscotch
And stuck to all my senses

Won’t you stay
We’ll put on the day
And we’ll talk in present tenses

(Joni Mitchell)

There is nothing like this song to get me UP, UP, UP again. Oh, the imagery! The beauty! The vibrancy!

And it is very applicable to where I am right now.

These past two weeks I’ve been down, struggling to lift my head. Everything in my life seemed so heavy. I am SO very grateful for friends like you who lift me, who keep me in prayer and light – it makes a DIFFERENCE, there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind.

So, let me tell you a bit about what’s been happening and what I’ve learned.

Weekend before last Zee expressed the wish to move to his dad. Though I expected this to happen sooner or later, it was – at 13 – a LOT sooner than I had thought, and right now where I am – feeling that I’m losing my parents – it simply felt as if I’m losing my son as well. My antenna tuned into LOSS as the main theme of my life. (Let’s not go into the self-recrimination of “Oh, what am I doing wrong?” etc. which assaulted me as I struggled with this new development in my life.)

And it took me until some time this week to realize that there might be a different perspective. Duh! (I know, I know, blondies can be slow.)

Seriously though, just imagine how it could be viewed differently. Not as loss, but as simplification, as freedom!

All the things happening in my life right now… what if there’s a different way of looking at it? What if God weren’t taking people away from me, but rather streamlining life in and around me to fit His bigger plan?

Imagine my parents going to Heaven within the next year, finally released from this challenging life (and country) because their work here on Earth is complete. What a party that’s going to be!!

Imagine Zee connecting with his dad on a deeper level these next few years – and from 13 onwards that sounds like an excellent plan to me – giving me the opportunity to become the weekend parent? =)

Imagine me having extra time in the evenings to exercise, write that novel I’ve been incubating for years, plan fun stuff for weekends, actually visit more blogs and touch lives the way you’ve been touching mine …

Imagine life becoming this rich, healthy thing of beauty … a Chelsea Morning, where light pours in like butterscotch … and we talk in present tenses.

I’m back.

And I’m alive.

And I’m so blessed.

Last week – hectic as it was – was good in the eating-healthy-and-exercising-daily department. I’m pleased.

In most other departments it was a challenge beyond my wildest nightmares.

So I had myself a little meltdown over the weekend, in nicely spaced out moments of complete overwhelm, interspersed with busy weekend life. I could still handle that.

And then I totally imploded today. I’m no stranger to depression, not at all. But even I got a little freaked out by today. So let’s just say on the eating-healthy-and-exercising-daily front today was a no-show. (Or even on the going-to-work front, or the staying-sane front, for that matter.)

That’s OK. Seems that right now my life is in (while we’re throwing around dashes) the let’s-keep-living-while-the-world-disintegrates chapter of the curriculum. I didn’t quite make the grade today, but it’s not the end of the world. Yet. I get to try again.

(Yay. No, really. Yay!)

I’ve just spent the last 45 minutes trying to tell you why loss is such a recurring theme in my life, especially since last week, as I work my way though this specific chapter in the curriculum.

But it sounded so pathetic, I deleted it. Not even a deranged screenwriter for The Truman Show would heap this many challenges on their protagonist, right?

Except God is not a deranged screenwriter. And He knows what He’s doing. So I will keep on following the curriculum.

And I will keep on learning, oh I will! Until I can breeze through these challenges without being paralyzed by the pain of it all. Until I can just write in my journal: “Today (insert disaster) happened. I had pineapple for dinner.”

Until, like Truman, I find the door.

*

Oh, and yeah, I had halva for dinner.

I’m still learning.

Let’s make tomorrow a better day, OK?

a grainy shot in the windy dusk, but so purple!

Loss is nothing else but change, and change is Nature’s delight. ~ Marcus Aurelius

There’s a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out. ~ Lou Reed

our city's October wear, taken from afar, in the gathering dusk of the approaching storm

There are not many circles in my life I have drawn in full, starting and completing them, connecting the beginning with the end. The circles I have completed stand out for me all the brighter because of their rarity: sparkling and precious gems against my walls.

And the satisfaction of adding more such circles to my collection is an ever-increasing desire and goal for me, because it is such an awesome experience, being able to say “It is complete.”

Earlier this year I started drawing three circles I wanted to complete by the end of the year:

• The Alphabet Play series of blog posts, writing from A to Z along the alphabet – which I completed this past Sunday
• The NEWO Challenge which started on September the 7th and ends November 29th
• South Beach Steve’s Hot 100 Challenge which started on September the 23rd and ends December 31st

Both of these last two circles are still open, and focus on creating a slimmer, fitter, healthier body by the end of this year. New Year’s resolutions are always inspiring, but it is the End Of Year resolutions, the drive to FINISH STRONG, which are truly mighty – invigorating and inspiring me to become my very best.

*

So, let’s be honest: Last week I tripped and fell. I completely lost my footing, sprawling over the earth in spectacular disarray, spilling out of myself, creating a mess where all the little bits of me landed. And in the chaos of discovering that I was spread out over the earth, little brittle pieces everywhere, I forgot how to live healthy, falling back into the older pattern which still cuts through me in deep swirls, like a tattoo running through skin and flesh and bone.

I’ve picked up enough of myself that this past weekend I could sit and examine what happened, identifying two causes.

• TRIGGER FOOD: The first cause was the trigger food I had inadvertently brought into The Cottage.  My mom gave me some sorghum meal from which a thick, brown breakfast porridge is made. One morning last week I was in too much of a rush to bother with a green smoothie, so I made this – seductively simple: all it requires is adding some boiling water and a bit of sugar. Without expecting it at all, this food triggered in me a huge carbohydrate craving, which got tangled in all my goals, and there I was, tripped up, suddenly carb binging.
• EMOTIONS: The second cause was what I call the BLAs: feeling Bereaved, Lost and Alone. Half of it had to do with facing up to the reality of my current (non)relationship situation. And half of it had to do with facing up to the reality of my parents’ health. This is really a topic all of its own, but suffice it to say that the cancer in both of them is becoming more of an ominous presence in our lives. Most of the time I can handle this overwhelming experience. But sometimes, like last week, it becomes … well, yes … overwhelming. To receive food from my mom, whom I’m slowly losing, oh, I understand very well why I grabbed it with both hands and gluttonously tried to pull every bit of it into me, as if by this act I could hold on to her and my dad a little longer. Well, I understand it now, now that common sense has returned. So I blessed the wildlife outside with the remainder of the grain, realizing that it is not helping me right now.

This experience also brought some valuable awareness.

• FEAR OF REJECTION: My fear of the disappointment and censure of the whole Hottie community or anybody following this journey of mine was almost paralysing, the sort of thing which could have made me abandon this whole venture. And the observer in me notes that my first reaction to this fear is to express this disappointment in and rejection of myself BEFORE anybody else can get a word in. But here’s the thing: I’ve had enough criticism in my life, and I’ve heard too many times how disappointing my choices are, that by this time I realize those are *other people’s games* that I don’t want to play with myself anymore. I know that being harsh with myself is utterly counter-productive. Guilt and recrimination will only move me further back, making me feel even more BLA.
• GRACE & GENTLENESS: I am learning to rather focus on the gentleness I receive from God every day. No matter what my level of screwed-up-ness has ever been (and boy, I’ve got some pretties in my dungeon) I’ve always just received the most incredible softness and love from God, the sort of OVERWHELMING tenderness which immediately brings tears to my eyes with the immensity of it. The soft touch which says, “It doesn’t matter. This is not who you are. I know you. And you are better than this. You can do it!”

So here I stand, having come dangerously close to abandoning two circles I really, REALLY want to complete by the end of the year. The truth is I might have destroyed all my progress last week, and that’s a pity of course, but it is not a disaster. Disaster thinking is reserved for the hopeless. And I’m not hopeless. Quite the opposite! I’ve learned about some of my triggers, and I’m going to keep learning about how to deal with them, creating healthy, productive patterns to move me forward.

I will close these two circles.

So, on to …

THE NITTY GRITTY

So far this week has been a LOT better. I’ve been working out with renewed vigour – my muscles are telling me it works! – and my eating has normalized to healthy portions again, and a lot less carbs.

I still have no clue what I weigh – it’s beginning to bug me now that I don’t have a way to measure progress kilogram-wise and I will fix that by this weekend. Measurements have remained stable, except my waist which is up 1cm, and my arms which are each DOWN 1cm. I am grateful that the damage of last week’s wild and panicked abandon isn’t too severe (though of course the scale might tell me otherwise once I find one, haha).

GOALS FOR THE NEXT WEEK:

• CREATE: More about the new goal by Sunday!
• NOURISH: Just eat healthy, Pippa! I’m not going to be too prescriptive, since I still need to get away from food obsession after last week’s sprawl into bingeing.
• MOVE: Daily for 6 out of 7 days: 100 Callanetics triceps, 100 Callanetics forward ab crunches, 100 Callanetics lateral left crunches, 100 ditto right, 100 Callanetics glutes left and right, 50 dumbbell lying rear deltoid rows, 50 frog squats. (And yes, that’s a lot more ab work and 20 more frog squats daily, whoohoo! My left shoulder is still bothering from time to time, but I think the deltoid exercises help to limber it up, so I’m sticking with that for this week.)

BOTTOM LINE:
I’m insanely grateful
… to be back on track
… to not have lost ALL my progress through this slip-up
… to have learned about grace & perseverance & gentleness
… to be getting a body which slowly starts to crave healthy fuel & activity
… to be creating new patterns in my life which will take me forward

And I’m looking forward to closing the NEWO circle within the next 3 weeks, knowing it also contributes to the Hot 100 circle in my life right now, and knowing that I’m going to make it worthwhile!

Life is good.