your problem is you assume wholeness is a right

You know how it goes. The sixth or seventh day you wake up with a headache (or insert your own personal challenge), it gets a little old. You begin to think that perfect vitality and health is just a myth.

And perhaps that is exactly what it is.

Your problem is you assume wholeness is a right. You assume you are supposed (even ENTITLED) to feel great, wake up ready to seize the day, breeze through your responsibilities, and end the work day with enough energy to spare for family, sports, hobbies or that dream you’re building.

If only. Instead you limp through your days (often literally) and you feel tired. all. the. time. And that means you just don’t have enough energy to exercise, even though you know it is good for you. So instead, when you come home, you flop on the couch, eat, and binge-watch something, falling asleep way too early and finally waking up knowing you are going to have to rewind the last 40 minutes.

And then, of course, you learn during the night that those 40 minutes of napping were the best sleep you got all night, because the rest of the night you end up tossing and turning and never quite feeling like you’re sinking deeply into sleep again.

The cycle continues day by day, until one day on the bus into work, you realise that you have been lowering your expectations of well-being consistently for far too long now. And your new normal has really turned into not only the lowest-hanging fruit on the well-being tree, but a pretty crumpled looking one at that.

This is certainly how it has been for me the last aeon. A downwards spiral of malaise that makes me dread every day just a little – or sometimes a lot. But here is what struck me that morning on the bus:

What if this expectation of well-being, this perceived right, is really not that? What if it is a privilege? If I were tetraplegic, I may have seen getting dressed as one of the victories of the day. If I had to battle trigeminal neuralgia, I would have perhaps been ecstatic to simply have made it to the bus at all!

It all has to do with expectation.

Last year, I read this stunning article based on a study of whether the long, dark winters caused greater depression or seasonal affective disorder among the Norwegians living in the polar circle. Shockingly, their mood hardly changed from season to season, even when they only received a maximum of 2-3 hours of indirect sunlight during the long polar night. Because they expected the long, dark, cold winters, they adjusted to that reality and learned to find joy in winter night-walks, the auroras, making a ritual of cuddling with a hot drink by the fire, or connecting with others.

How would such acceptance change my own life if I fully accepted and expected that my days were not going to be a goal-getter’s paradise … that perhaps I also had only 2-3 hours of indirect light, energy, possibility to live by?

I think I would live more gratefully and less wastefully. Gratefully, because wholeness is not a right. And less wastefully, because when those moments of wholeness do appear, we need to celebrate and fully fall into them, making them count. Realising that they could disappear again very soon.

That is a humble life.

Northern lights over Tromso, Norway. Photo by Lightscape on Unsplash

holding on too tight

I am battling a skin issue. First of all, my gums get inflamed, perplexing the dentist. Then little blisters start forming on my arm and hands, breaking into lesions that don’t heal, and that itch, itch, itch.  And my palms … the slightest pressure creates painful and itchy welts and weals.

As if I’m doing hard labor.

As if I’m holding on for dear life.

And in between all the doctors, all the tests, all the bafflement, the realization strikes me:

I am holding on too tight.

Look at my hands and you can see it, palms marked as if by the death grip of a survivor. So painful from the effort that now I can’t hold on to anything without hurting, not a hairbrush, not a broom – hands opening up reflexively to let go.

And I have to wonder: what is my body trying to tell my spirit?

I think I know.

learning to walk the shore*

* Or: Learning to live without antidepressants

The slow tide of darkness can creep up your shore so surreptitiously that it can leave you flailing for breath before you know it.

And you are forever a shore dweller, walking between darkness and light … between fluid and solid … forever sensitive to its intertwining play … so you learn to live with an eye to the tide. Always.

There are times you cannot outrun the tide and you need help. So the doctors give you life preservers. To help you rise on the flowing tide instead of sinking. To tide you over.

You take them every day, little pills that buoy you up, and you are grateful for them. But no shore dweller can forever fully live with life preservers around waist and neck and arms and legs. Sooner or later you have to grow stronger and let them go, learn to negotiate the sweet, sly shore on your own again. Learn to find that magical inbetween place where the darkness of the tide and the light of the land create evanescent sparkles.

The doctors say you will never be able to live without help again, that you are forever a shore dweller who will run the risk of being overrun by the sea. But He, your Beloved, says differently. He says it is time to lean on Him alone, to His glory. And so you cast off the life preservers and let them drift out to sea. Not slowly like you should really do, testing your strength, but all at once, with complete abandon. Even though the tide is rising.

And so you learn what coming off citalopram hard does to you. It is not just your emotions that skitter all over the place; it is your body, too. The withdrawal disorients you, leaving you dizzy and seasick and exhausted. Your mind sparks, as if short-circuiting. You can hear the sparks, feel them. Some days they spark one-two … pause … one-two. And some days they spark one-two-three-four-five. Over and over again. There is a constant, dizzy buzzing in your head. Tinnitus with the crescendos of short-circuits added. You cannot turn your head quickly, or some days, even your gaze.

You learn what helps:

• Lying down when it gets bad
• Drinking lots of water
• Taking as much vitamin C as you can before bowel tolerance sets in
• Taking vitamin D3 to help you sleep and function better
• Taking St. John’s Wort and 5-HTP alternately to help your body deal with the sudden serotonin imbalance
• Taking anti-emetics when you need to
• Avoiding exertion that will make the seasickness worse
• Listening to music to focus you, to drown out the tinnitus and confusion and siren call of the tide
• Finding ways to see the light and not the darkness, as your emotions fight to stabilize
• And always, ALWAYS, trusting your body and leaning on your Beloved

Those are the things which definitely work.

You know once your sea legs have returned, you will start getting more active. The best way to keep the dark tide at bay is to exercise.

And you learn to have immense patience with yourself. Even three and a half weeks later you still experience long spells of feeling disoriented and sick. Who knew that these life preservers could carry such poison in them? Frustration doesn’t help. Acceptance does.

Who knew that you could be this strong?

Casting off the floats slowly, one by one, is the more prudent way. Even returning to them if the tide rises too high and you are not ready. The sudden withdrawal can bend you badly, scare you into grasping for help again. Far better to be kind to yourself and grant yourself the time to ease into this new, unfettered life.

But if you can only do it cold-turkey, and the time is right, simply trust yourself. Be strong and resolute. Lean on Him. Know there will be bad days, but they ultimately lead to good: freedom and strength!

There is light on the shore, the sparkles of sunlight where water has touched the land. And the bioluminescent glow at night of magic happening in the inbetween places. Only the shore offers this magic.

And you will learn to see it on your own.

Because you are fearfully and wonderfully made!

the safe feeling

I read this study today about how two large meals a day is better than six mini meals. If you follow Mark Sisson at Mark’s Daily Apple, this won’t really be news to you – he’s all for intermittent fasting. (Though careful, it might work differently for women.)

This last month or two I’ve been trying to incorporate breakfast into our household schedule. For years we’ve trained ourselves to NOT WANT breakfast in the mornings. Too rushed. Stomach definitely does NOT want to face food that early. Etc. etc. But it’s all a matter of conditioning.

I don’t get it right every morning. When I oversleep, the whole household goes without breakfast. When I run late, breakfast slips right off the list of priorities for the day. And that’s not going to change. If the choice is between having breakfast or catching your bus on time, there’s not even a choice, really. And that’s okay. That’s life.

So the only real question is whether I can be better prepared for breakfast in the mornings. Can I? Oh yes.

Bacon takes time to prepare – but only a few seconds to heat up in the microwave. If you make omelets Julia Child’s way, and you have the filling ready, you can sit down to eat in a flash. Who knew? I had always thought omelets were the most time consuming of all the ways to prepare eggs.

It’s all a question of preparing the night before. Is that even possible for a harebrained scattermind?

*

The memory rushes in like water.

My grandmother cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, my brother and I already in our pajamas.

I never understood how she could have the energy to clean up the kitchen after a long day. Or right after a meal she had slaved over. She was an exquisite cook. Sunday lunch at her house was always something to look forward to. And we would still sit around the table, half in a stupor after all that hearty food, and she would get up, clear the plates away and start washing up. She didn’t easily accept help, either.

But here I am, back in her kitchen, in the blueish-greenish light of the fluorescent tube overhead, the sound of the radio coming from the dining room where my grandfather was smoking his pipe and doing crossword puzzles, and grandmother preparing for tomorrow.

Water in the kettle for coffee and tea. Cups and spoons set out on the counter by the kettle.

A saucepan on the stove ready for the oats to be cooked.

Bowls and spoons on a clean tablecloth on the Formica kitchen table, a crystal jam pot set out next to the butter dish – all covered under a clean dishcloth.

And only then would she prepare for bed.

I look at that prepared table in my mind’s eye, marveling. Such a thing of beauty.

And such a safe feeling that comes with it. In my grandmother’s house, with the breakfast table set the night before, all was well with the world.

Her routines shaped the days of the week. On Mondays everything would smell lemony fresh as she scrubbed down counters and did the laundry. On Thursdays she would buff the slasto floors and the whole house would be wreathed in that fresh polish smell. There were days she oiled the wood furniture. And always, always she worked in the garden.

I was too small to have the awareness or the words then, but now that I do, I hope I can tell her one day what a beautiful and powerful memory her habits created in me, what a sense of safety … of being intact.

It is not too late to give such memories to my son, too.

primal blueprint challenge: wrapping it up

While I was out of town, Mark Sisson’s Primal Blueprint Challenge ended … yes indeed, it’s been a whole month, folks!

Since this is about a LIFESTYLE change, I never experienced any impatience for it to please end now so I can get back to ‘Real Life’. This IS Real Life now. In fact, I feel a little stunned at how easy it has become to eat right. And I am rolling right along with it.

I really do want to write an official wrap-up of my participation in the challenge, and share with you what I learned and achieved, because what an amazing ride it has been!

• Eating: I learned that protein and fat (hitherto two strangers in my diet, truly) make for marvelously filling foods. Plus, the ultimate bonus? No more cravings. For me, the former craving central, this is BIG. HUMONGOUS. That’s not to say that it completely eradicates the challenge of comfort-eating – which is after all emotionally based – but it does make it immeasurably easier. I also learned to track my calorie intake – something I had never thought I’d succumb to, but which is just so much more empowering when you want to know where your diet is taking you. It definitely was an eye opener for me, showing me that what I thought were weight-loss portions were sometimes really over and above that. (And tracking didn’t turn me into an obsessed calorie freak as I had always feared, so color me relieved!)
• Sun: I have come to appreciate sunlight a lot more! In fact, this challenge really made me aware of how little sunlight I used to get on my skin in city girl office mode. Knowing now how much better it makes me feel, this habit is here to stay!
• Activity: The biggest change in my lifestyle centers here. During this challenge I rowed, and learned to scuba dive. And, combined with the Hot 100 challenge, I started working on my muscles again, AND cycling again. There are lots of new activities I still want to try out, and I am excited to keep this up, leading a more active lifestyle.
• Sleep: I learned that I really – right now – need 8-9 hours a night if I want to get rid of the pervasive fatigue I always seem to struggle with. Even before this challenge I started limiting my computer usage so I didn’t spend the first or last hour of the day on the computer. These last hectic weeks ate away at that resolution, so it is time for some renewed dedication to this part of my life. It definitely makes a difference!
• Weight loss: During this challenge, the weight came off slowly and almost surreptitiously: I was very surprised this morning to discover that I have released a total of 3kg/ 6.6lbs. I’m finally back under my personal redline weight. It isn’t visible yet to other folks, but I can definitely tell from the way my jeans sit and how I’ve had to move up to the last hole in my belt, that something is happening. I really like that! And I’m going to just keep going because I’m excited about the future changes to my body.
• Headaches: Well, I know by now that concentrated carbohydrates cause horrible headaches for me, so I’m not easily falling into that trap again. I honestly believe that eating primal has greatly reduced the regularity and severity of the headaches I’ve been struggling with since my teens. Though I’m not out of the woods yet, and I passionately hope to improve the headache situation even more, I am grateful for the improvement I’ve gained. (Formerly a hellish day at the office, like yesterday, would have been guaranteed to send me home with migraine … and I just realized it didn’t. Definite improvement!) And definite, immense gratitude!
• BONUS: My hair! I never expected this – and I’ve been reading testimonials about better hair growth and condition on the Primal Blueprint lifestyle with a pinch of salt, to be honest. But WOW, has my hair grown! I normally go to the hairdresser only every 10-12 weeks because (a) I have long hair, and (b) the hypothyroidism really retards hair growth. But I am compelled to return to her today, only 6 weeks after my last visit, because I simply cannot take postpone it any longer. All that protein and fat must be a real boost. This is certainly a surprise for me – and makes me wonder if I should re-check my thyroid levels.

Giving myself a whole month to really focus all-out on primal living was indeed one of the greater gifts I could have given myself this year. And I’m feeling so much better that there is not a smidgen of doubt in my mind: I will just keep going, kids.

There is one extra thing I hoped for on this challenge: that living like this would increase my energy levels. Not only are there loads of testimonials to the high energy resulting from this lifestyle, but it makes logical sense to me that if your body receives better fuel and your muscle tone improves, you should feel a lot more zesty.

Obviously energy is the result of an intricate symbiosis between the physical and the emotional/spiritual, I know that.

Unfortunately I can’t honestly report that I’m there yet: at that place of boundless energy. I’m well aware that my emotions are certainly draining energy at the moment – truthfully, I’m swimming deep. I hope that as soon as I get the emotional/spiritual part of my life balanced again, the energy will bubble up, too.

Watch out, because then nothing is going to stop me!

I am really grateful for all the progress this month has brought, on so many levels. Life is good! And I’m looking forward to building on this, aiming ever higher.

primal rocks!

Remember when I started eating more primal? It meant that I changed my diet from carbohydrate-centric to something healthier: focusing on protein, fat, fruits, vegetables and nuts.

Looking back 3 months later I feel great!

The migraines and headaches which have been plaguing me all my adult life are so much better it verges on the miraculous. They’re not entirely gone, and that one hormonal week every month is still touch and go, but count me HAPPY!

When I first mentioned this wonderful progress in Sunday’s post, I hadn’t even experienced a single migraine during this month’s celebration of womanhood. And of course that meant it was time for a learning curve! Because apparently that’s how I roll.

It being weekend (my Achilles Heel) I did indulge in some (OK, a whole packet of) jelly sweeties on Sunday afternoon, thinking that I was through the rough part of the month, hormonally speaking, and I could celebrate by letting up a little.

Ha! That one hour of indiscretion cost me dearly.

By that evening I could feel the migraine building. Worse, the next day I not only woke up with a full-blown migraine, but I craved more sweetness. I craved and I caved. And that set the pattern for (so far) this whole week: Migraine. Cravings.

FUN!

By day 2 of this scourge, I changed the pattern: I stopped caving to the cravings. I mean, really, when you measure cause and effect, carbs and headache, against each other, it’s just not worth giving in, trading health and well-being for that momentary, cheap pleasure – which cannot hold a candle to the joy of functioning well inside a healthy body and feeling energetic and vital! Hopefully eating right again will mean that I will soon wake up again (please!) without my head pounding and my left eye feeling blind.

So here is my personal bottom line on living primal:

When I stay away from carb-intense foods –

• the headaches virtually disappear – which is AWESOME! – and
• I stop wanting carbs. (That is truly a surprise to me, because I have always craved heavy carbs, like potatoes, rice, chocolate, etc. even during the year and a half I lived as fruitarian.)

As long as I stick to proteins and veggies, with some fruit thrown in, I don’t experience cravings. At all. In fact, my once beloved potatoes don’t even taste that wonderful to me anymore. I’d rather reach for the other, more flavourful and colourful veggies.

Now just imagine what could happen when I step it up and really commit to this way of life (that means weekends, too, Pippa!)

• The headaches – which have defined so much of my life so far – might truly become the very occasional stress marker I believe they are supposed to be (I’m so close already!),
• My energy levels,and with that my sense of well-being, will increase, and
• I will continue to lose this layer of fat I’ve built up in my carb-binging haze.

Win-win!

So, if you struggle at all with headache, pre-diabetic syndrome or diabetes, heartburn or cravings – I’m not even going to mention weight here, because it’s all about HEALTH for me – why not put primal living to the test? See if it works for you!

As it happens, Mark Sisson has just announced The 2011 Primal Blueprint 30-Day Challenge, starting on 12 September. That’s this coming Monday, folks! It offers the opportunity to try this for yourself within a community where – especially for this month – motivation is going to abound in terms of daily information, competitions, challenges, support, and most importantly: the way you will feel.

I’m going to use it as an opportunity to jump into primal living with both feet, fully committed, to see where the whole package will bring me. And that encompasses far more than what I eat. It also addresses physical activity, sleep, stress, and basically everything else us human beings call LIFE. If the benefits I’m already experiencing are so mind-blowing, just imagine what changes full commitment may bring!

I’ll be posting about my primal journey every Monday. Join me for the ride – it’s going to be amazing, that I know!